Self-Care When You're Touched Out and Exhausted
Touched out and running on empty? Here's what self-care actually looks like (and the difference it can make to your marriage) when you're exhausted, overstimulated, and can't stand to be touched.
There's a particular kind of exhaustion that has nothing to do with sleep (or lack thereof). It's that involuntary flinch that your body does when you’ve had a long day either at work or looking after little ones, having them constantly climbing on you, putting their sticky fingers on your legs and then your husband grabs you (lovingly, in his mind) on the butt and you just want to scream. If he’s seen you flinch and the guilt has kicked in, but you’re also thinking “I don’t care how he feels right now” then you’re not alone. And you’re not broken, just touched out.
Your nervous system has hit its limit on physical contact, and even loving touch starts to feel unbearable.
Real self-care when you're touched out isn't a bubble bath (or at least that’s not all it is), it's rebuilding your capacity to feel like a person again.
Around the time my marriage reached its breaking point, I was so overwhelmed and depleted that by the time my husband came home from work, all I wanted to do was hand the kids over to him and go cry alone in the shower. I actively avoided his touch, especially the playful boob grabs or pats on the butt whenever I bent over to put something in the dishwasher. It all just felt like one more demand on a body that had nothing left to give.
And then when we separated and he wanted nothing to do with me, all I could think about was how much I wanted those little signs of affection back, how I used to push him away and now I missed him so much. It was a painful realisation.
When I found Laura Doyle’s Six Intimacy Skills™ I learned the importance of self-care, not only for my own happiness and sanity but for my marriage and my family. Self-care was the critical first step towards feeling good about myself, taking responsibility for my own happiness and ultimately attracting my husband back. Below is exactly what that looked like in practice, and how it can work for you too.
What does "touched out" actually mean?
Licensed professional counsellor Kelsey Mizell, who specialises in perinatal and maternal mental health, describes it as touch that would normally feel pleasurable starting to feel unbearable. This isn't a personal failing and it’s not intended to be a rejection of the people touching you, it's the overload your nervous system experiences from constant physical demand. And it’s incredibly common in caregivers.
Mothers get shockingly little recovery time - that space to just be and relax, without any demands or pressing tasks. Motherly's 2023 State of Motherhood report, based on a survey of roughly 10,000 mums, found 49% of respondents felt burned out by motherhood. Being touched out is often what that burnout feels like in your body.
Why self-care isn’t working for exhausted mums and what to try instead
When you're touched out, a lot of self-care advice can make things worse. A massage, a snuggle on the couch, even a warm hug from your kids can feel like another demand on a body that's already maxed out. The self-care that actually helps is the kind that asks nothing physical of you at all.
For some, that might mean solitude, quietly retreating to read a book or take a nap. For others it might mean catching up with friends who you can be yourself around or doing something that takes you out of your everyday routine. I used to think self-care meant getting a pedicure once a year or going to a day spa, something I aspired to but never actually put on my calendar because it was too expensive or time consuming and too much hassle to organise.
But self-care shouldn’t be something else that you add to your to-do list and then feel guilty or critical of yourself for not achieving. True self-care, the kind that fills you up and makes you happy is something you look forward to, and not in the way you daydream about a holiday that you never seem to have the time or money to take, but like a little treat that you get to do every single day. Preferably multiple times a day.
Here’s what that looks like for me in practice:
A piece of chocolate after dinner (I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s more than one piece and it’s not just after dinner)
A hot shower in the morning
Playing my favourite music or a podcast in the car
Watching something that makes me laugh
Having a quick scroll on socials while the kids are in their karate/netball/swimming lesson
Taking time during my lunch break to go for a walk, do some stretches or deep breathing exercises.
Self-care can be whatever makes you happy in the moment, whatever makes you smile and it’s not one-size-fits-all. Self-care doesn’t require your husband to change, your kids to behave, or a single extra dollar to be spent. The idea is to rebuild your own capacity to handle life (one frivolous fun activity at a time), not waiting for someone else to give you space or make you happy.
Do I still have to cook dinner? Yes, most nights I do, but I can choose to be resentful and bang the pots and pans, slamming drawers while I let my angry thoughts take over or I can turn up my favourite Spotify playlist and dance around the kitchen embarrassing my kids while I chop veggies.
I've written before about how counterintuitive this feels when your relationship is struggling, but taking care of myself really was the first step towards having a great relationship.
How much alone time do mothers actually get?
Most mothers get less than an hour of time to themselves per day, and many get far less. One Motherly survey found 64% of mums had less than one hour to themselves in the previous 24 hours. That scarcity is exactly why the touched out feeling becomes chronic instead of occasional.
Sleep debt compounds it further. University of Queensland researchers tracked new mothers' sleep patterns and found roughly one in two mothers were excessively tired even four months after giving birth. Ask any mother and they will not be surprised by this statistic. A touched-out nervous system on top of chronic sleep debt is a recipe for disaster, and unfortunately it’s one playing out in so many households.
This is why five minutes matters more than it sounds like it should. You're not trying to fix months of exhaustion in one sitting. You’re simply telling your body it’s ok to relax, it’s ok to be still, it’s ok to find a little piece of joy.
How do I ask my husband for space without starting a fight?
For anyone with young kids you might remember an episode of Bluey where Chilli (Bluey and Bingo’s mum) reaches her limit and says “I need 20 minutes where no one comes near me”. So incredibly relatable!
Since I started practicing the Six Intimacy Skills I don’t get to that point as often as I used to (because I’m more conscious of proactively making time for my self-care every day) but when I do, I find that if I say to my husband “I’m feeling really overwhelmed, I need 20 minutes to myself” without blaming or complaining, simply recognising my own limits, then he will go out of his way to give me that time. Sometimes he’ll even hand me the block of chocolate or a glass of wine as I’m retreating into the bedroom.
In the past, I used to try to explain, justify, or apologise for needing space, which usually turned into an argument about who was doing more, or my husband would get defensive because he felt attacked and blamed. When I can state how I’m feeling and what I need without any expectations attached to how he responds, it removes the fight before it starts.
I go deeper on exactly how this shift changed my marriage in this post.
If my husband isn’t home then I’ll sometimes tell my kids I need 20 minutes. Or when they were younger I’d turn on ABC kids for a bit or trade some child-free time with a friend, taking it in turns to look after each other’s kids for an hour or so.
If you're touched out and also feeling disconnected from your husband entirely, you're not alone in that combination. Rebuilding your own capacity for touch and connection is often the first real step back toward each other, even when things feel hopeless.
FAQs: Self-Care When You're Touched Out
Q: What causes a mother to feel touched out?
A: Constant physical contact from children, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and caregiving without adequate breaks can overload the nervous system. Add sleep deprivation and it compounds quickly, according to perinatal mental health specialists.
Q: Is being touched out normal?
A: Yes, it's an extremely common response to intensive, hands-on caregiving, particularly with young children. It doesn't mean you love your family less, it means your body needs recovery time.
Q: How long does being touched out last?
A: It varies by season of life and depends heavily on how much solitude and recovery time you build in. Many mums find making time for daily self-care eases the touched out feeling significantly, especially if some of that self-care time includes solitude or time away from physical touch.
Q: Can self-care fix touch aversion in a marriage?
A: Self-care alone won't resolve every marriage issue, but restoring your own nervous system capacity is usually the necessary first step before reconnection feels possible again.
Q: Is being touched out a sign something's wrong with my marriage?
A: No, being touched out is usually a sign of physical and nervous system overload, not a relationship problem. It can happen in strong marriages and struggling ones alike, especially during the intense early years of parenting young children. That said, chronic touch aversion can strain a marriage if it goes unaddressed for too long, mostly because unmet needs on both sides create resentment.
Q: What if my husband takes my need for space personally?
A: When I can be vulnerable with my husband and let him know how I’m feeling (tired, overwhelmed, touched out) without any blame, criticism or expectations, his response is generally one of care and concern. If he looks angry or hurt or responds in a different way, usually it’s because there’s something on my side of the street to clean up. If you’ve had this experience and you’re wondering what to do next, I invite you to schedule a call with me to figure out what’s stopping you from having the kind of relationship you want and how to get there.
You don't have to earn your own space
Being touched out isn't a flaw to fix or a phase to push through with gritted teeth. It's information your body is giving you and it deserves a response, not guilt. What could you do today (even if it’s just for 10 minutes) to help you calm your nervous system and start feeling like yourself again?
If you want more ideas beyond what's in this post, grab my free download which lists fifty simple ways to fill your own cup, even on the days where that feels completely impossible.
