How to Get Your Husband to Open Up More
Wondering how to get your husband to open up? The real (and somewhat surprising) fix is restoring respect, NOT more talking. Here's what’s worked for me and my clients to create a deeper connection.
You ask how his day was and get a "fine". You’ve tried asking how he feels or telling him how you feel about something and he looks like he’d rather scrape gum off his shoe with his own tongue. The “I feel blah when you blah” statements that your couples therapist suggested usually get an eye roll as he’s exiting the room. You've asked Chat GPT how to get your husband to open up more times than you'd like to admit, and nothing has worked yet.
Here's what surprised me when I trained as a Certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coach: the fix isn't about improving your communication skills and talking more (despite what conventional relationship wisdom tells us). The key is restoring respect.
If you’re anything like I was, you probably think you’re already a respectful wife. What I didn’t realise is that men’s and women’s versions of respect differ and I was doing (and saying) things that I had no idea my husband found disrespectful. When a husband feels criticised or managed (for example when I would treat him like one of the kids and grumble at him for always leaving his dirty work clothes on the bathroom floor), he wasn’t exactly keen to pull me in for a passionate kiss or share his hopes and dreams with me. In fact, he’d grit his teeth and the imaginary wall between us would gain another brick and no amount of gentle questioning would get him to open up.
In this post I'll walk through why trying harder to get him talking usually backfires, what respect actually looks like as one of the Six Intimacy Skills, and the small script I use to restore respect and intimacy, which gets me feeling more connected to my husband.
What does respect actually mean in a marriage?
Respect in marriage means trusting your husband's judgement and treating him as a capable adult, even when he does things differently than you would. Respect is like oxygen for a man. In the same way that women want to feel loved and cherished, men want to feel respected.
For years I thought respecting my husband meant caring for him, doing helpful things for him like throwing out his dirty old cap (that he loved and I hated) and buying him a new one, not picking a fight or saying how disappointed or angry I was when he came home from work late or agreed to do another overtime shift (believe me, my eye-roll did all the talking for me). If my husband made a decision I wouldn't have made, I'd correct him, redo his work or point out a better way. I told myself I was making improvements but in his experience, it meant he wasn’t good enough, that I thought I was better than him and he couldn’t do anything right.
As a Certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coach I now know: respecting my husband doesn't mean he's always right. It means I believe in him and I trust him to be the expert in his own life.
Why asking your husband to open up doesn’t work
Asking him to open up rarely works because it puts him on the spot, and most men experience direct emotional questions as pressure, not invitation. He pulls back to protect himself, which reads as him "not communicating".
When my husband told me he was stressed at work, I used to say things like "have you thought about taking some time off?" He hadn’t asked for my opinion, he was just sharing something that was on his mind, and my response landed as criticism (as if he wasn’t smart enough to come up with that idea on his own) disguised as concern. He got defensive, ignored my suggestion and we both felt annoyed.
According to the Gottman Institute, contempt, which includes mocking, sarcasm and eye-rolling, is the single most damaging pattern in a relationship, more destructive to a marriage than an outright argument. Criticism is contempt's quieter, more socially acceptable cousin and it does the same slow damage.
What does respect look like when put into practice?
Respect is choosing to trust him and believe the best in him. It means noticing all the ways in which he’s a good guy, a good dad, instead of pointing out the things he’s falling short at.
I used to only notice the mess he left, the beard hairs in the bathroom sink or the lawn that was three weeks overdue for a haircut. I complained about the way he spent money and I took on the job of paying all the bills and managing our accounts even though it stressed me out. When he dressed the kids in their best clothes for a day at home (or worse, for kindy) I would re-dress them in their “play” clothes, the ones that I didn’t mind getting dirty.
When I started actively looking for the ways my husband was providing for us, taking care of me, showing up late and tired but still taking the time to kiss the kids goodnight and read them a bedtime story, I realised how disrespectful I had been, trying to teach and correct and change him.
This one shift changes how your husband experiences being married to you. He starts to stand a little taller around you, because your good opinion of him becomes something he wants to live up to, not something he has to defend against.
“Respect is one of the clearest expressions of a wife’s belief in her husband.”
– Laura Doyle
How do you restore the respect if it’s gone missing?
Step one is to take accountability for any disrespect you’ve been unknowingly showing your husband. You didn’t know before that it was disrespectful to tell him how to drive or what to wear, but now you do and you’re ready to bring back the intimacy. The format is simple: "I apologise for being disrespectful when I [e.g. overruled your decision to give the kids a treat before dinner]."
One of the most important (and hardest) parts of a Laura Doyle apology is the full stop at the end. To be truly accountable, there is no room for excuses, justification, blame or expectations. Just ownership of your part.
The first few apologies may feel like sandpaper in your mouth, especially if you feel as though he should be apologising to you as well. If there was an argument and you both said some things you’re not proud of then shouldn’t he clean up his side? Well yeah, of course it’d be nice, but you only have control over your own thoughts and actions. I find when I can be the first one to apologise, I feel so much lighter getting it off my chest and having a clean slate, regardless of whether my husband follows suit. My clients also notice that their husband softens when she apologises and fights that used to result in days-long cold wars now only last a few hours, if that.
Isn't respecting my husband just being a doormat?
Just because your husband says something, doesn’t mean you have to agree with him. You also don’t have to disagree with him. Either way, you can still show respect just by hearing him. Sometimes he will exercise his right to be wrong, and that’s ok.
I was worried in the beginning that practicing respect meant never having an opinion or stuffing down my own thoughts and smiling along. But actually it’s the opposite. For example, when my husband used to unload all his frustrations about his work day onto me, I felt like I had to offer a solution or help him see his own part in conflicts that he was having with his colleagues. It was so stressful! Now, I simply listen to him, often using the phrase “I hear you” and when he finishes telling me everything I just say “That sounds really hard and I know you’ll figure out the best way to handle it”. It’s so freeing, trusting him to step up and do what needs to be done!
And the fun part is that once the respect is restored, your husband will feel it and go out of his way to try and please you. Instead of being critical and controlling, you get to focus on your feelings, your desires and what makes you happy.
“Control says: How can I change you? Respect says: How can I understand you?”
– Laura Doyle
What are simple ways to show respect every day?
Small, repeatable actions build respect faster than any single big gesture. Here's what I coach clients to start with:
Let a decision be his without redoing it your way afterward
Thank him for helping, even if it wasn't done how you'd have done it
Spend a night simply listening to him, saying “I hear you” without having to come up with any solutions or suggestions for him
Try a Laura Doyle apology “I apologise for being disrespectful when I …” (don’t forget the full stop, no excuses or justifying)
Notice something you admire about him and let him know.
None of these actions require him to change first. You might be surprised to find that the man you fell in love with is still in there and respect goes a long way towards bringing back the intimacy that you once shared.
FAQs: Respect in Marriage
Q: How do I get my husband to open up?
A: Stop asking him how he’s feeling and listen deeply when he does talk (no matter the subject). Use “I hear you” to show you are listening and don’t feel as though you have to fix him or offer any solutions. Men tend to open up when they feel safe from criticism, not when they're asked more direct questions.
Q: What does respect look like in a marriage?
A: Respect looks like trusting your husband's decisions, not teaching, correcting or redoing his efforts, and choosing to notice his good qualities over his shortcomings. It's shown through daily actions like trusting him to be the expert in his own life and recognising his capabilities.
Q: How do I respect my husband when I don't feel like it or when he hasn’t earned it?
A: Start with one small action, like saying thank you for loading the dishwasher (and not mentioning how he put the plastic cups on the bottom instead of the top rack). Think back to what first attracted you to your man - is there a little piece of him that’s still in there that you admire? Let him know and see how he stands a little taller with your admiration.
Q: Is respecting my husband the same as being submissive?
A: No. Respect means you stop trying to control him, not that you stop having opinions. You can still express your desires and disagree while giving up the job of criticising and managing his choices.
Q: What if my husband doesn't respect me back?
A: Someone has to go first and it might as well be you. My clients often find (like I did) that once they start restoring respect, being accountable for their own actions, choosing to see the best in their husbands then the whole dance changes. The intimacy starts coming back and he responds differently to her.
Q: How long does it take to see a difference when you start practising respect?
A: Some women notice a shift within days, others over several weeks, depending on how entrenched the old patterns are. Consistency matters more than speed, and this is where working with a coach tends to shorten the timeline.
Bringing respect back into your marriage
Respect isn't just something you give to your elders or authority figures. It’s a skill you can practice to help you start seeing the best in your husband and to bring back the admiration you once felt towards him.
You don't have to figure this out alone or by trial and error over another ten years. If you'd like help making respect (and the rest of the Six Intimacy Skills) part of your day-to-day marriage, book a free call with me and let's talk about what's actually going on in your relationship and how to make it more playful, deeply connected and intimate.
